How To Fix Your Relationships Ft. The Rewired Soul

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How To Fix Your Relationships Ft. The Rewired Soul Video

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How To Fix Your Relationships Ft. The Rewired Soul Video Transcript

chris boutte

what is up everybody it’s Chris and my lovely mom dr. career and as oh hi this is her brand new YouTube channel is our first first ever video but there’s a relationship workshop is that what you call it okay so that’s what you do alright so it’s so okay well anyways we’re gonna go through the slideshow I’m gonna pretend to be what a client a client you’re gonna do them they’re gonna there’s some activities you have to do that I’m gonna have the client you know people audience do I’m gonna have you do it that’s gonna be me with them yeah there we go cool so yeah just uh take know what we’re doing a slide show there’s something that she doesn’t yeah right so I do addiction therapy and so this is one of the presentations that I do when we have what we call family day and family days when the client brings in their family and we do an education and kind of a process talk about what’s going on and what’s not working in the family or with their relationships so I’m gonna start with though this presentation is called understanding and improving love relationships okay now is this just romantic relationships um it centers on that but it could contract admit to every relationship in your life because once I do the worksheet with you you’re gonna see what we’re looking at is our individual issues and our triggers in relationships okay okay let’s do it so I don’t I’m trying to see how oh oh hold on hold on everybody hold on function okay do it so now I can just do it there we go so the goals of this workshop is you’re first you’re gonna receive basic facts and information regarding the complexities of relationships you’re gonna learn how to help yourself look beyond the issues that you argue about to underlying sources of conflict okay you will have specific tools you can start using today when today so here are some test statistics I’m gonna give you to open up with first of all statistics it’s difficult to accurately state marriage statistics the research is good on it however to follow couples is sometimes difficult to do but we do know this that half of couples who marry in the United States 50% of them will get divorced so when this statistic that says 50% that is specifically for the United States that statistic is probably higher because I created this presentation about five years ago so we know that this 50% is probably higher than so let me okay so just so you assume all y’all know out there I’m not gonna pretend to be a client like I’m gonna talk to this man here right now we’re gonna talk about my relationship oh I like mom okay so my mom was asking me like what are you and tristin gonna get married like why on earth would I get married when I’m looking at that I didn’t say I have no I have no words from a different generation but myself the reason I would have looked at that and said because I’m different I’m special that’s why okay okay now the next thing is of those who stay married can you believe this this is this is outstanding no it’s not outstanding it’s crazy 90% of people that are married report their marriages as unsatisfactory 90% these are people that we’ve asked questions to okay so the statistics are different because you’re not sure these people are we getting these people that are in therapy are we getting these people from attorneys so each each statistic is different on where we’re looking for information let me ask your opinion on this I’m reading a book right now that was talking about how how you know let’s talk about that statistic and people being unsatisfied in their marriage but do you think part of that comes with the expectation that marriages should be perfect forever you should never fight never argue never know never hit any bumps in a road do you think part of that is because people go into a marriage with an unrealistic expectation of what a marriage is you want to know what I think after my 20 years of experience yeah I think we go in with expectations but number the top one that I think is we go in believing that the things we see in that partner before we marry them we’ll be different when we marry them that they will change oh yeah it’s a hope and that’s what I see that we’re not in acceptance of who they are at that Jesus yeah you think people in a so in your opinion and your twenty years of experience yes do you think people marry somebody knowing damn well what their flaws are with the hope that those flaws are gonna change yes that I’ll love you enough that if we get married it’s a commitment gonna change if we have a baby it may change I’m just saying that’s what my experience is when I see this video might be might be long let me ask you another question what point do you know and we’ll just try to keep the answers short so we don’t make this video forever but like the question a question I get is like you know because people can change right but they have to want to I can’t force you to change so would you think it’s a good idea to not get even get engaged until that person is actively trying to talk well why don’t we finish the presentation and then we can go there okay cuz I think I think once we start doing the worksheets you’re gonna see the aunt the questions gonna get answered I ask a lot of questions I’m a student with a lot of questions yeah let’s do it next thing what are the top causes of divorce and this is what couples say the top causes are one is lack of commitment lack of commitment in myself in the relationship and the partner’s lack of commitment listen the self mean my lack of commitment I’m gonna marry a man and I’m not really quite sure if I’m committed to the values that we’re both committed that we not an agreement of our knowing this Valis a part me know what the vows so the vows or the morals and the values the standards those can change right so I can marry somebody and I say I’m gonna be in a monogamous relationship ten years in I’m bored and I’d like to play a little bit those things I think we’re talking about a little bit okay too much conflict criticism and arguing financial stressors are two a very big issue infidelity you meet somebody else but falling out of love decreasing satisfaction in the relationship feeling unhappy unloved trapped and unfulfilled in the relationship what lawyers say so this comes from the American Academy at matrimonial lawyers they said not all marriages fail for the same reason however here are some of the reasons that stand out more than others most frequently are poor communication financial problems a lack of commitment to the marriage infidelity so infidelity cheating yes cheating less frequent are failed expectations or unmet needs addictions or substance abuse and/or substance abuse physical sexual or emotional abuse and lack of conflict resolution skills those are what attorneys say what therapists say so what I say couples break up because of destructive responses and I love that destructive responses to escalation of arguments avoidance and argument arguing dishonouring the other person’s values or their feelings that’s a big one dishonouring you’re gonna give me an example of that am i doing you’re saying you’re angry I’m angry at you right now Kerry mom and me trying to fix it you’re angry at me there is no fixing you angry at me I need to just say what do you need for me right now do I you want me to walk away do you want me to do this do you want me to do that or you’ll say leave me alone I need to honor your feelings leave you alone how would somebody dishonor those feelings not leaving you I mean I was married I didn’t leave him alone but ya know that’s something that I think twist and I have been good at like we we know when to give each other space I know what because that’s something that I struggle with do you ever work with like people who are like other therapists or anything like that yeah something that I brought into is because my entire job my career my passion is helping people right right but in my relationship I gotta learn when to back the fuck up exactly cuz I get paid to help people but like when Tristan’s going through something like I have to learn window just step away right in this very you have to be very cognizant of what’s going on because you are in the hell to be very mindful mindful cognate excessive defensiveness everything is interpreted as negative so if you’re upset with me it doesn’t mean our horror late it’s black and white thinking so you’re mad at me so you’re always gonna be mad at me or oh my god if I don’t fix this we’re gonna break up that is what their toy like you’re always complaining about this you never yeah all-or-none thinking yeah would be one of them critical concepts in this presentation we all have a personal history of negative and positive characteristics we’re all good and we’re all bad we have both characteristics I love that part because we have to accept that we both have good and bad we all have good yeah something that I used to struggle with was my own black am I thinking of myself right I’m all good I’m all bad like I was a drug addict but I was still like a there was a decent person is of course I was a good person doing a lot of bad things right right because negative traits are not all bad now negative traits for one person are not negative traits for another person look what oh my god I love it so I’m loud I’m boisterous could be a negative trait to one person so my partner who I chose to be with could not like loud women that’s a negative trolling of choosing somebody like that I don’t know because he’s hot or I’m great you know so not all negative traits are bad it’s who who’s that trait being who is who’s judging that trait yeah I’ve had to work on through the years I don’t know if like Tristan and I have a great relationship but like that’s one of the reasons I’m able to be a youtuber is because I realize that not everybody is going to like me right like and I accept that it took me a long time to accept that as a people pleaser and I think on YouTube that’s hard because I was called ya know like I posted on my Instagram like one person saying your voice makes me want to shove a pencil through my ears I think the next person’s like your voice is like the the most calming soothing voice you know what I mean like just right after another right so like I’ve won to accept like that’s why I always say like perspective is fascinating you know like some people like to eat fish I hate the taste right you know what I mean so like that’s helped me just accept criticism but it’s interesting with this I with a partner I’m like the mythology because at first I think I’m gonna change you there’s a lot of reasons you’re gonna be less alive well they might like a lot of your traits and hate two of them but those two are gonna cause something in the end that’s nuts that kind of eruption right we have to deal with the pain with the source of our own pain and our own history of our life okay that’s what we have to do in this presentation I’m going to show you how to do that and we must emphasize ours and others positives so let me ask you this before you move from next slide do you think a lot of people neglect to do that because it’s a lot easier it’s a lot easier for me to point out what the other person is doing wrong in a relationship by the way talking about like friendships family relationships and stuff like that it’s a lot easier for me to point the finger at you tend to address my own history and pain like do you find that because in our society we always look outward we don’t look inward you know we’re an outward kind of a citizen we know we’re doing that no I think it’s unconscious I don’t think I think we’re just raised to do that we don’t teach people to do that we don’t teach we’re so externally driven in this country and I’m saying America because I haven’t been to Europe I’m not gonna answer it for them but we are so driven externally in this country that we’re not trained to look inward to meditate to see who we are we’re also to avoid our feelings and always I mean that’s my go-to okay so now we’re gonna I’m gonna do some magic right now with some worksheets okay so it’s there anyway we can put the worksheet up cream yeah so everybody who’s watching this okay so so wait okay so are you gonna explain the worksheet yes we’re gonna go through the worksheet if you have a piece of paper well they’re gonna download it or you can take a piece of paper oh let’s bring it up on the screen but then if you if you need time to fill it out we’ll pause it what have you pause it there’s yeah all right okay so you guys are gonna think I am awesome when this is done I was so people it’s like a magic trick it is a magic trick you’re gonna love it okay so if you look at okay so this is called the brief relationship workup okay in Section a we have a here it says in the columns below right positive traits or characteristics of your primary caretakers okay let’s describe that whoever raised you a majority of your life and I’ll say from 0 to 6 the most important times 0 to 6 who raised you if that was a mother figure a father figure or anybody else maybe a grandparent a foster parent okay so let me give you you may not have you might say doctor Randazzo i was raised only by my mother I never met my father but my grandfather was in my life so then you you’ll fill out the mother part and the other part but put grandfather okay if you were raised by your stepfather and your mother I need the people that are actively in your life raising you so so who would it be for me my parents got divorced when I was four but you moved in with my dad but it would be mother and father I went to go visit you visited me and I you know those of my life right you knew I was your mother okay okay so mother father you had an active relationship with me even if it was dysfunctional okay I want you to find five characteristics if you can of your mother positive characteristics of your mother and five positive characteristics of your father or of the other okay you have to find five you can work use words such as loving caring always there nurturing sense of humor intelligent hard-working playful good characteristic so let’s write five of those for those people okay all right so you pause this video fill that out real quick all right we pause for a second and now let’s go okay once you feel got the positive characteristics now in column in Section B you’re gonna do the exact same thing for those people except I mean you’re gonna go to the exact same boxes for mother father or other but you’re gonna write five negative traits or characteristics for those people five you’re gonna use words such as never there they were critical anxious angry you could put alcoholic addict you could put controlling cold distant preoccupied depressed hard to please okay I’ve had people say this when I’ve had people do this so I don’t know if some of the viewers are struggling with this I’ve had some people for either one of those sessions they say there’s nothing there was nothing good about my caregivers or they’ll say there was nothing bad okay or nothing yeah I’ve had that – I’ll say can you think of anything in there think of one thing you don’t you need five I mean you don’t have to have five but I want you to find something yeah okay do you think people are full of it when they say that no I think people it’s hard okay do you really want me to tell you the truth what I didn’t yes I think that some of our people’s issues is to look at the negative in their mother or father is traumatic for them yeah they don’t want to it’s traumatic so I get it I get it and their defense in order to heal we have to look at it and your mom and dad or your parent they know they have negatives and positive we all know we have good and bad so it’s okay they don’t have to see this if you can find now some people only find two positives in their mother but ten negatives well then at least write those two positives if you can only find two negatives right those two negatives okay beautiful all right so go ahead and pause this fill out the negatives all right let’s talk about sex and see okay now in number see what I want you to do in this box I want to run you to write three things you needed the most but didn’t get from your primary caretakers so examples for them as more time spent with me more acceptance of who I was more encouragement more affection more understanding more respect so anything like that and you need three things so write it down guys there’s got to be three things because every human no parent could there’s something called good enough mothering good enough parenting no parent is perfect there is just is none because of our own perception of our world for example like a hard-working parent might have be able to been able to provide the house and the food the toys and all those things but they weren’t providing their time because they were spending so much time working to make that money or maybe a mother is good enough and great for one sibling but not great for the other because of our perception so let’s say a mother was very loving and affectionate okay for one child the other child may have thought that they were too needy my mother was too needy because she always had to hug me to different perceptions of the neck of that per mother one says I love my mother she was very affectionate one child to say my mother was way too needy that’s all how we proceed it’s how we perceive it so remember that when you’re saying what you needed the most is you as a human so did you need space or did you need more affection because remember were all wired differently one child a want space another won’t wants by a space correct yeah gotcha all right so let’s go ahead and go ahead and pause that fill out those three things that you need it most alright what’s up with dee dee now I want you to list three childhood frustrations and what you felt and what you did in response to them so let’s do this you’re probably gonna get the frustrations from see above I’ll give you an example so let’s go I’m gonna I’m gonna I’m gonna protect no Kris yes give me one childhood friend stration you had uh my mom was an alcoholic okay mom alcoholic yeah okay what did you feel what was your feeling because I was in out it’s so weird cuz like it’s my mom I don’t know but I love it but this is what I felt not loved not that for so Christopher’s childhood frustration was my mother was an alcoholic he felt not loved what did you do in response to not feeling loved by me see I think this is where how did you act out how there were points when I stopped talking to you right so hang on childhood frustration was mom was an alcoholic I didn’t feel loved and I shut down I stopped talking okay I laid it yeah okay is that could that fit there yeah some of them were his word I got confused on this time some of them was like I got yes so then there’ll be another child frustration you have to pick the actually what did the most so then you’ll say pissed so you’re gonna have three of like I might have been cussing you out in my head and you know what I mean what no I want to know not what you were thinking that’s not what I care about I want to know how you behaved what I get like would passive-aggressive bisa yes what did I actually do I was passive-aggressive I stole I broke things that’s what I need I don’t need what you think I need what you actually did okay okay so what did you do what did I do shut down I shut down okay shut down then you’re gonna have another frustration so let’s do their second one so mom was an alcoholics your first frustration what’s your second big childhood frustration that’s something a lot of things up okay we didn’t spend we didn’t spend that much time because you look nothing watch this not enough infection okay what did you feel when you did not get enough affection from me what was the not loved not loved so we have not loved again what so we know that you isolated what else did you act out doing so for that like how old whatever what’s coming to your mind like I clung to other people okay so I had problems I was needy would it be needy I clung on yeah so I needed like friends around I needed other people giving me a cut not what I actually did I could not be alone okay could not be alone now let’s go to a third one I better write this death because we’re gonna need those for what you did could you do those now I do a math yes you do wait it’s you’ll see unless you work on them I work out a lot of these things so first one okay no you’re isolated we want to know oh my behavior so isolated he’s out of my phone everybody isolated I was needy to other people third one was something else that you did that gives me off I ignored you cuz i when i drank i ignored everybody yeah except me but no that’s something different i was ignored so you didn’t get affection and you were also ignored I was also ignored so what did you feel I felt not looked not loved what else did you do that would probably be needy too okay so we got so if you ignored me I was trying to get attention for people so I was needy and I isolated doom that’s it that’s it simplified overcomplicate alright so go ahead and pause the video good get this thing filled out okay you’re not gonna change it yeah oh all right we’re back alright so now what okay guys now I want you to go back up to column a okay what I want you to do is circle in column and in a the positive traits of everybody here everybody all positive traits I want you to fight circle the five that stand out for you the five and not five for your mother and your father five total pick the five that right now stand out to you that are talking to you when you look at this piece of paper circle the five positive traits that stand out to you then column B I want you to circle the five negative traits that are popping out to you on this page circle the five negative traits that are popping out to you okay just do that for me okay go ahead and pause it if you need to okay yeah you’re not why me the next sheet now I’ll give you the next all right but I need this sheet because I need to show them how to transferring okay okay now we have another sheet here for you all right so these are both located down below download them open them up or write it down I can do this number one number two okay what I want now here’s where the magic comes in you guys are just gonna transpose from one page to the next page so check it out I want you to go to the first the page you just filled out and I want you to go to this column a do you see my this yeah call me well I want I’m just fixing our screen but yeah they can see it yeah okay okay I want you to fit column a I want you now to tick the five positive traits and just write them in number one don’t read just write them in number one okay now I want you to go to be the negative traits I want you to come over to this this page and write the negative paid traits in number two I then want you to go to see I want you to write what you needed most in your first page I want you to write it on number three now I want you to go to D and I want you to only write what you actually did what you actually did on number four just write what you actually did so go ahead and pause it transfer all that information alright so what you’re gonna see here and so rut what’s sad is I can’t have an actual talk with you guys and Christopher didn’t actually do this so I’m gonna pretend the right here okay the right here okay so Chris I just want you to pick two positive negative traits are gonna read this so hot not hot from just two because I want it fives too much too we’re just giving an example of how this is gonna work yeah so I am trying to find or get a spouse or a life partner who will what who what we’re positive traits positive traits sense of humor who will be funny hard-working and hardworking but I won’t really fall in love unless she also has at least some of these traits Oh negative traits so like distant alcoholic Oh alcoholic yeah and distant okay when I find some what the blend of both positive negative traits I will get really interested in her and may fall in love and form an intimate committed relationship in my relationship I will struggle to get my partner to have only the positive traits so I can finally get an adult version of and see what you’re missing what did you need adult version of getting my needs met yeah so I needed attention getting attention and being sober and being in recovery in my relationship I will sometimes tend to stop myself from getting these needs met by doing an adult version of these behaviors what did you put here isolating and what else and being needy from other people okay so you either whoa that’s kind of black-and-white thinking so you only either run away isolate uh-huh or you’ll just be all up in their face okay that’s your problem right there well something I noticed like with previous relationships which I’ve worked on by back when I would when I would shut down if I wasn’t kidding when I wasn’t getting what I wanted from the woman I was dating yes I would start messaging other women right so like that’s your needy you got my media Venus because she’s not giving what you want so you isolate for her and now I’ll go to somewhere else so I can get my needs man yeah now I’m gonna be needy and I’m gonna find it check I’m gonna be on the internet all day looking right yeah okay so let’s go back so you guys are gonna do that and I want you to sautee what you’re seeing sautee means think about it I love for the worst we got small daughters they’re no success I love sautee some people don’t like I use that word I love it okay there’s no doubt in the coments after you did that exercise if your mind was blown so check it out the wounds or hurts we experienced as children and teenagers those are the major sources of our conflict and relationships and the protective strategies we develop to deal with that or avoid these hurts so let’s timeout real quick so like here’s what I realize and again like hopefully you’re watching this even if you’re not married or in a relationship or whatever I noticed I do that same thing with other relationships you’ve always like a boss yes like even with a boss like if the boss is giving me shit I just shut down right that’s what I like I don’t want to take your crap like you know like coming at me I’m just like or will you get needy and start looking all over for others yeah yeah yeah fuck this place I’m gonna find another job I can’t take it yeah final connections right or like even with friends right right like I can shut a friend down like I’m a friend sighs giving me shit just boom like I’m done with you I don’t need that right yeah don’t you love it so first we have to accept that our wounds and our hurts that we experienced as children they are our protective strategies we develop them to survive but what happens is they develop we start using them in relationships that it doesn’t work in that means as an adult okay so most relationships are because of this conflict over okay why what is between move a little bit no keep going keep going between the wounds and the protective defenses which has the most impact on relationship the protections we use the idears Chris is the isolation and the neediness those are our protections how we act it out section D of our what we filled out okay why because the automatic protective responses will activate the part okay so this is the issue this is what I love remember you just did the sheet will your partner or your lover or your mother or your friend also has a sheet they filled out uh-huh so check it out guys they’re protections and you have protections they get in the way of their protections and your protections get in the way of mutual healing and perpetuate the unconscious power struggle so would you suggest to somebody watching this if they have a specific relationship issues whether it’s with a friend a family member if the other person is willing to do it together I do it with couples I do a family so I have a whole time that I do it’s like 20 people in the room yeah because everybody looks at their own wound so if there’s somebody in your life where you’re trying to repair this relationship share this video with them yes okay let’s say you don’t have somebody in your life they’re not gonna do this like what if it was like my boss my boss isn’t gonna fuck right what’s up all we can worry about is your protections at this point I don’t work on that yes then we have boundaries we have acceptance we have a lot of things we can work on if your partner’s not gonna help you with this now okay I’m somebody big on like triggers and behaviors right there are these protections based off specific triggers their basic helped like when somebody yells at me I shut down well that’s your that’s the they’re yelling at you they’re touching your wound yes and then you do your protection which is shutting down so we all have these triggers that’s what a trigger is right oh they don’t show me a tension and I feel neglected that’s a wound so no the neglect feeling neglected is a feeling but they what what did you just say they ignore you yeah that’s a wound they’re ignoring you you’ve been wounded somebody else ignored you I did right so when I was an alcoholic so I wounded you the protection is what you do with it and I’m gonna let all of you know right now like so much of my feeling my mental stability came from identifying this shit like I remember when I first got sober we did this well you know what’s funny guys I want you to understand I don’t know how Chris is really feeling about it but I think we have a good relationship me doing my own work I can sit with Chris talking like this yeah because I’ve accepted what I’ve done and I let Chris have those feelings and that’s what I love working with recovery so I couldn’t sit here and listen this I feel like he’s right that happened but we can I think we can harmonize in there yeah yeah okay so perpetuate the uncut okay so let me go to this one the next one we’re clicking in weird places okay so there’s a 90/10 principle that we have to remember ninety percent of the intensity of upset in our relationship comes and belongs in our history mm-hmm this kind of stopped you because I teach this to people go this way the next point I’ll say Mike only ten percent is related directly to the present experience ten percent so this pause oh don’t pause the video but pause and let that saute I took it this is why we practice mindfulness yes okay think about it 90% of your conflict with other people is based on shit that isn’t even happening right now right right so when mindfulness brings you back into the moment you’re back in that 10% so now you like letting go like I’m not really mad at you I’m mad at some shit my mom did all right oh I’m mad like we bring in like emotional baggage from lost relationships like I’m not mad at my current girlfriend I’m mad at my last girlfriend right I’m not mad at my current boss I’m mad at my last boss right you see what I mean but unconscious love we’re not recognizing that so when we’re training our brain to be in the moment we can recognize and say oh this isn’t really about you it’s about something else it can even be in our daylight this isn’t about I’m not yelling at you I’m yelling at the guy who cut me off an hour ago on the freeway who pissed me off right but normally like when I get angry if I’m really really angry it’s normally coming from a little girl place and that’s what journaling is good for and I say recovery work like affirmations or daily readings or 12-step programs but anyway that’s another topic yeah so get mindful get back in the moment okay how people change so how are we gonna change this what are we gonna do now that we know we isolate we’re needy yeah we’re you know I get angry what are we gonna do through modifying our thinking by educating ourselves self-discovery finding out how we really feel partner discovery having your partner find out how they feel now not all things are gonna happen like that Hayden what if your partner refuses that’s what I’m saying you have to ace that one out and psychotherapy so getting counseling through modifying our behavior it says there but there meaning our behavior I pause you will quit going back to number one I have a question yes like like let me okay so we you you work with addicts right yeah the number one thing that we did not even just from addicts but from people is excuses okay so if I was looking at this because we have this negative bias we automatically focus on the negative my partner doesn’t want to do their own discovery and I can’t afford psychotherapy I have two options left like what can I do to work on stuff I’m gonna tell you education how do I do that I can do that in the internet watching your channel looking stuff on the internet reading self-discovery journaling that’s what we call cathartic just by writing my thoughts down I can and forget the psychotherapy go to a free 12-step program free support costly trying to teach everybody it’s like you focus so much on I can’t afford a therapist my partner doesn’t want to change focus on what you can control which is educating yourself if you’re watching this video you have an internet connection go research some stuff go watch some videos self-discovery journaling it cost a dollar alright if you can’t find a dollar like go steal some printer paper from work and start writing stuff down like stop with the excuses and I’ll talk about journaling because there’s things I can help with some strategy and analyzing your journal in future videos yes so make sure you subscribe okay subscribe okay through modifying our behavior by experience learning and practicing new skills with our new behaviors and new responses modifying the emotional dial back one of the one of the issues that I have and I know a lot of other people have is like practicing new skills right or practicing these new behaviors and new responses a lot of people forget right so something that people told me was since I was angry all the time always and I would lash out sometimes well ask myself three questions does it need to be said doesn’t need to be said right now it doesn’t need to be said by me well most of the time I would open up my big stupid mouth and I wouldn’t remember to do that right you have any recommendation for that Oh fine all I have to say it’s gonna take practice because you out of five times you might remember to do it one time right yeah then the next time you might mix month.you right may remember to do it twice yeah just keep don’t give up on yourself as long as I’m journaling daily and and writing about my experiences I should remember all right number three modifying the emotional response by talking about it and physiological soothing so mindfulness relaxation techniques like what journaling there’s something called progressive muscle relaxation I love that might have some meditations oh yeah what about yoga yoga’s good I love yeah yoga what if you have enough money to go get a massage oh yeah yeah treat yourself I get my nails done Oh to pedicure that always makes you feel good like him yeah I love getting a medic that bad no I just throw out my nails my son oh hey okay paradoxical theory of change means when a person is willing to acknowledge and become with self support with supporting themselves and wanting to change exactly what he or she is that means once we accept our faults and our good in our Bad’s the perceptual field our brain will reorganize itself automatically into a new way of seeing and experience the world I got chills cuz that’s what happens so surrendering to Who I am that’s the surrender of the 12 step the first step but hey you don’t be in recovery to do no but there’s 12-step programs for anything being a jerk yeah surrendering to who we are in the present yeah that’s why I can sit and listen – you say what I used to be like because I Know Who I am yeah except I’m not trying to run away from it I’m not trying to deny it but like I accept something that helped me out was accepting that I’m not perfect I will never be perfect like something my sponsor told me when I first had like when I first started he looked me in the eyes as Chris you got a fuck up I know you’re gonna fuck up a lot cuz like just don’t get loaded over it I’m like oh okay so like it gave me like once because I think so many of us are just chasing perfection which is never gonna happen oh god if I like once once I accepted the fact that I’m never gonna be perfect but I have a willingness to get better my entire perception change right so rather than fixing everything at once now fix little things at once go to the next slide now I’m going to read the closing statement I love this Oh how does healing happen I forgot it’s not a wall not the last bonus how does healing happen once through meeting our unmet needs okay so we’ll talk about that and that slide but we have to meet those needs that were not met and we’ll deal with that when the old pain is experienced again psychotherapy talking journaling getting now what you need and understanding validation physiological soothing safety to be fully Who I am let’s not ignore other modes of healing spiritual meditation and psychotherapy you know elaborate on this and another side I think what we could do like what do you want me to elaborate it’s like when old pain is experienced getting what you need is an understanding that like working through that okay I got to tell you guys something that’s like oh my question is is the brain rewiring itself right yes but your brain like kind of like experiential therapy like it when you’re addressing it are you building up your own mental resilience okay Gideon I gotta say something I’m gonna give you an example cuz I work with women that are with relationships that they probably should have picked that guy in the first place I don’t tell them to leave immediately I want them to figure it out they’re gonna figure out what they need to do getting your needs met so check it out there’s three things and I’ll do a video go on it that you can do with every situation you can change it well you really can’t change other people you can eliminate it or you can accept it and that’s kind of what I mean here about getting your needs met some people cannot meet your needs they’re just never going to do it here’s a thing and even if they’re family some of them are we were talking about infidelity when I see this when I see like meeting of unmet needs it feels like that’s when people cheat like they have their husband or whatever they have their wife and then they find somebody else to meet the needs that are not being met no but your need was you told me in earlier you said I get needy yeah so Chris then you go to therapy you talk about that neediness it really comes from me so is it like soup meeting of unmet needs in a healthy way in a healthy way therapy talking about it not tears right not we all know unless you guys are cheaters I don’t know that’s like some people like being in you know not open relationships with I wouldn’t consider that check my lap I think it’s less like Chris can you go boom that’s a picture of me this is my little girl within I love her she’s pretty huh I cut her bangs any hair any who here is this I’m gonna close with this it comes this country in the big book of alcoholics and on everybody should know this this is my favorite paragraph out of there I’m gonna read it to you and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today when I am disturbed it is because I find some person place thing or situation some fact of my life unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment nothing absolutely nothing happens in God’s world or by mistake until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober unless I accept life completely on life’s terms I cannot be happy I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and attitudes yes thank you guys I enjoyed my doing the presentation I hope you enjoyed it too and subscribe yes subscribe I’m gonna do a video on acceptance over on my channel because there’s some things I want to reword just for a wider a wider scope like for just real quick example like swap the word alcoholism with depression some of the words I’ll call ISM with anxiety right with trauma okay in the world happens anyway this is long enough like thumbs up subscribe make sure you share this with somebody that needs help in this as well and you know it’d be another good video is boundaries have a lot of people struggle with that anybody’s leave comments down below like I said if that worksheet blew your mind let us know down in the comments okay anyways you are all beautiful and we’ll see you next time say bye mom bye

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